Becoming a Right Person for Marriage

Okay, ladies - we've all sat around at some point in our lives and dreamed about that "Mr. Right" that we always knew we were going to marry. He was probably the usual "dream guy" - ya know, tall and tan, with rugged good looks and perfectly gelled hair. Not to mention he was kind and funny and the best listener in the world, right? And, as if he could be any better, he just happened to love doing 

dishes, was a pro at folding laundry, and was a professional masseur - that was, of course, only a hobby because he was a highly-paid doctor at the local hospital (but don't worry, he had the perfect schedule and always had plenty of time to spend with the family). Oh, and did I mention that he also has time for all of his church responsibilities? Heck, maybe he's even bishop or stake president, but somehow manages to find the time for everything in his life. Because, let's face it, none of us ever dreamed that we'd be as busy as we turned out to be.

Hopefully you catch my tone here. I mean, does that man really even exist? While I'm convinced that my husband is a close second to "Mr. Perfect" described up there, I'm not really sure that anybody would measure up completely to that.

Now, don't misunderstand me - I fully believe that there is nothing wrong with contemplating what traits you want your future husband to have. In fact, I would highly encourage any girl searching for an eternal companion (or planning to someday make the search) to at least think about what she wants in a husband. But, when thinking about what you want in a husband, have you ever once thought about how you can become a "right" person to marry?

This video from christianmingle.com, although not put out by the church, talks about this "becoming" concept. As you watch the video (about 1 minute), think about what you can do to become a right person for marriage.

Just think about this: there is a man out there somewhere just dreaming of his "Ms. Right" (although maybe not in as much detail as us females). What if he is your perfect match, but you aren't his? Are you living your life in a way that will make you his "Ms. Perfect?"

Elder David A. Bednar said:

"As we visit with young adults all over the Church,

often they will ask,

'Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?'

As though they have some checklist of,

'I need to find someone who has these three, or four, or five things.'

And I rather forcefully say to them, 

'You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch

and that you want someone else who has these five things for you!

If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics

that you're looking for, what makes you think they'd want to marry you?'

The 'list' is not for evaluating someone else -

the list is for you and what you need to become.

And so if there are three primary characteristics that [you] hope to find

in an eternal companion, then those are the three things

[you] ought to be working to become.

Then [you] will be attractive to someone who has those things"

(Bednar, 2009).

With the "Mr./Ms. Right" approach to dating and relationships, the focus is on finding the one person who is perfect for you. It focuses on all of the characteristics that you want that special someone to

have. While this approach may seem innocent and fun to begin with, it can cause feelings of anxiety about dating because it makes young people feel overwhelmed by the task of finding that "one special someone."

On the flip side, the question within the "becoming" approach to dating is "How can I be prepared to form and nurture an enduring marriage?" and "What can I do to make sure that a 'Mr. Right' will want to marry me?" This approach emphasizes personal readiness, maturity, and growth. This approach still recognizes the importance of finding an awesome person to marry, but focuses more on becoming ready for marriage and then committing to that relationship once a decision to marry has been made.

Some things that may assist young people in becoming a right person to marry are developing sacred perspectives on marriage readiness and having faith in the Lord and His plan for marriage and families.

Sacred Perspectives on Marriage Readiness

Marriage is almost always viewed as a "couple relationship" in our society today. It is seen as a personal expression of love between two people who want to be together. This view emphasizes things like personal happiness, emotional gratification, physical attraction, good communication, pleasurable intimacy, and couple compatibility as necessary elements for a successful marriage. I don't know about you, but I know that some of these things were on my list when I was younger! Although all of these things are good things, it is important for young people to understand that they must also see the need for things like commitment. Sacrifice. Selfless caring for one's spouse. The benefits of marriage for children. Knowledge of the divine institution of marriage. 

"To be clear, viewing marriage as a couple relationship is not wrong - 

it is just incomplete. 

Such a view lacks doctrinal foundation, 

emphasizing the 'fruits' of marriage that we all desire to experience 

without tying these outcomes to the true 'roots' that create loving and lasting marriages. 

As young adults strengthen their testimonies of marriage as a divine institution, 

they will have a deeper foundation of true doctrine 

upon which to build effective skills related to 

communication, intimacy, and other relational aspects of marriage"

(Carroll, 2012).

Understanding that marriage is a divine institution allows us to align our marriages with God. When we build our marriages according to the Lord's patterns and strive to work for His purposes, we will be blessed with a greater love for each other, a deeper meaning in our lives, and an enduring sense of oneness with God.

Faith and Discipleship in Marriage

Okay, so marriage is kind of a scary thing, right? I mean, it's so difficult to find someone (or rather, to become that someone). Then there's the awkwardness of dating. And then, of course, once you actually get married, is there really any guarantee that it will work out? What's the point in getting married if it's probably just going to end in divorce? Right? Wrong. All wrong.

Sure, the idea of finding a spouse can be a little nerve-racking and for sure overwhelming, but guess what? Life ain't supposed to be easy. And finding a spouse is just one of those things we have to do. Besides, when you do find someone (or when that someone finds you) it's totally worth it. Take it
from someone who has loads of experience with marriage - aka, me! I've have a whoppin' 4 1/2 years of experience. I know, I'm a pro.

Here's the thing about those fears and anxieties - you gotta let 'em go! The starting point for becoming ready for marriage is to develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His divine plan for marriage and families. The Lord provides us with all that we need to be successful in His plan for us. How cool is that? Each and every one of us has been blessed with the things that we need to succeed!

In closing, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said:

"You want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? 

Be a true disciple of Jesus. 

Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. 

Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. 

You separate dating from discipleship at your peril. 

Or, to phrase that more positively, 

Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, 

is the only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness 

for you and for your sweetheart."

(source)

As you watch this segment from Elder Holland's talk "How do I love Thee?" (about 3 minutes) think about how you can apply this to becoming a "right" person for marriage.

References:

Bednar, D, A. (2009). Mormon Channel, Conversations, Episode 001. Retrieved from http://radio.lds.org/eng/programs/conversations-episode-1 

Carroll, J. S. (2012). Young adulthood and pathways to eternal marriage. Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives, 3-15.