Divorce

Married people - Before you got married, did you sit around and dream about that day when you would find that perfect person who would complete you entirely and make you happy always and forever and ever and ever and ever? When you did get married, were you a little bit shocked at how difficult it can sometimes be?

If you are anything at all like me, you probably went through a time of awakening and maturing when you realized that, although you love your spouse and would do anything for your spouse, marriage is hard sometimes. I mean, just think about it - you've been single and all you have ever really had to worry about was yourself. "What am I going to do today? Where am I going to go to school?" Even questions about your future were probably all centered around you: "How many children am I goingto have?" Then, practically over night, everything changed from me to we. Suddenly it's "What are we going to do today?, Where are we going to go to school?," and "How many children are we going to have?" That's bound to put a small amount of stress on anyone - even someone who has dreamed their entire life of marriage.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that pretty much everyone dreams of having this "perfect" marriage, but marriage is just hard sometimes.

The topic I wish to write on today, is not one that I usually like to speak about. In fact, it is in regards to a word that my husband and I don't even use in our home, because we never want even the idea of it to be an option in our lives.

I want to talk to you today about divorce.

Before I delve into this topic, I ask that you first watch this Mormon Message about Marriage and Divorce. I am not as eloquent as Elder Oaks and so I think he puts this better than I ever could. As you watch this video (about 3 minutes) reflect upon your own marriage.

Let me repeat the words of Elder Oaks:

"For most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance.
Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness.
The first step is not separation but reformation.
Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache."

(source)

As Elder Oaks states, divorce can often to long-term heartache, not just for the adults involved, but also for any children that may be involved. One prominent divorce researcher described it this way:

"For a young child, psychologically, divorce is the equivalent of lifting a hundred-pound weight over the head. Processing all the radical and unprecedented changes - 

loss of a parent, loss of a home, of friends - stretches immature cognitive and emotional abilities to the absolute limit and sometimes beyond that limit" (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002, p.112).

Now let's pause just for a moment and speak of divorce in the necessary sense. There are some circumstances that do warrant divorce. I won't get into all of those situations right now, but it is important for us all to understand that, although sometimes justified, divorce is not a solution for all of our problems. Elder Oaks teaches us that "when a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it" (source). For members of the Church, it is wise to consult with your bishop before coming to any conclusions. 

The Best Course

Ideally, every marriage would be able to be repaired. Don't we wish that we could just snap our fingers and all of our marital problems would just disappear? That would be great, though that is not true about the reality of some marriages. "It takes courage and discipline to stay in an unhappy marriage for a prolonged period of time to attempt change and improvement. It takes wisdom (and perhaps seeking some wise counsel) to evaluate whether a highly troubled marriage can be redeemed, plus skill and effort and humility to repair the relationship. And it takes spiritual insight to discern if an unhappy marriage is becoming destructive of one's basic human dignity" (Hawkins & Fackrell, 2012, pg.85).

Although it takes much effort and can be very difficult, couples in the Church are always encouraged
to attempt to save their marriages. No matter the degree, it is never easy to repair the hurt and heartache that can sometimes come from marital issues. However, knowing the importance of marriage in our Father's plan and understanding that marriage is ordained of God gives us a new perspective on the importance of preserving our marriages.

Remember that clip I had you watch of Elder Oaks talking about divorce? It was awesome, right? Isn't he so great? Well, since he is so great, I'm going to quote him again as he speaks about the best course to take when considering divorce. He said:

"Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious living thing. 

If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. 

We do not give up. 

While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again.

The same should be true of our marriages, 

and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us. 

Latter-day Saint spouses should do all 

within their power to preserve their marriages." 

(source) 

In trying to preserve your marriage, please be sure to seek the help and guidance of your priesthood leaders. They can help you come to a conclusion about your marriage and help you move past the pain and heartache that has been experienced - as well as avoid further pain and heartache.

Probably most importantly, know that you have a Father in Heaven who loves you and wants you to be happy. Know that He is mindful of you and your struggles. You are His child. Really, YOU are His child. He has prepared a way for you to endure these trials you may be facing. He is a God of equity and He will make all as it should be someday. "With righteousness shall the Lord God judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth" (2 Nephi 30:9).

As you watch the following video (about 2 minutes) - which is, you guessed it, Elder Oaks - consider this question: How does the doctrine of eternal marriages and families influence your views on divorce?

References:

Hawkins, A. J., & Fackrell, T. A. (2012). Should I keep trying to work it out? Sacred and secular perspectives on the crossroads of divorce. Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives, 79-87.

Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. New York: W. W. Norton.