Forgiveness

Forgiveness. When you hear that word, what comes to mind? Do you have many positive experiences with forgiveness? Or are you holding onto things from the past, struggling to forgive? Have you ever truly forgiven someone? Have you ever had an experience where someone freely forgave you? Is this something you struggle with? Or does forgiveness come easy to you? You might ask yourself these questions as you go through this section. 

Many other things may come to mind, since this is a concept that I feel is really drilled into our brains as members of the Church. I'm not by any means saying that it shouldn't be taught the way it is though. After all, the Lord has told us, "to forgive all men" (D&C 64:10). We grow up learning that we should always forgive others. No matter what they've done to us, we forgive. If they said something rude - forgive them. If they hurt you physically - forgive them. If anybody does anything to you that is less-than-kind - forgive them.  

Often times, in our families, we do things that hurt each other. It's not right, but it's a common occurrence within the family. I'm sure we have all experienced times when our family members have hurt us in one way or another. As you read through this section, consider your relationships with your family members. Are there things that have happened in the past that you need to let go of and forgive? As you ponder, you should consider a few things:

• We should always forgive, even if the person we need to forgive is not sorry
• If we do not forgive others, how can we expect the Lord to forgive us? 
• Forgiveness motivates repentance
• If you were in the other persons' shoes, would you want them to forgive you?

Okay, so we've covered that forgiveness is important in family life. But why is it so important? And how do we go about forgiving? We'll get into both of these questions as we move throughout the section.

The Why

In Mark 11:25-26, we read: "And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses." Alright, so one reason to forgive is like we stated earlier - if you want to be forgiven, you need to forgive others also. How does this apply directly to the family though?

Elder Theodore M. Burton said:

"If we are going to teach our children the principle of forgiveness, we need to begin with our own lives. We must set our children a good example... If father and mother forgive each other quickly and afterward show increased love and consideration for each other, their children will quickly learn to act likewise... If we learn to forgive one another within the family, we will be able to forgive more readily within the Church and within the community. Like many good things, forgiveness begins in the home. We must remember to teach our children that even if others fail to be kind and considerate, we ought to be slow to condemn and very quick to forgive. We need not be tolerant of sin, but we must become tolerant and forgiving of the sinner. Jesus Christ gave his life to reconcile us to God so that through His atonement we can repent and receive forgiveness for our sins. We owe our Savior a great debt. Part of that debt is the obligation we have to forgive one another" 

(source).

Makes sense, right? We want our children to learn about forgiveness, so we need to forgive in our lives in order to teach them. We can never repay Jesus Christ for what He has done for us, but forgiving others is one way that we can show Him just how much we appreciate all He has done.

The How

Anybody who has ever tried to forgive (which I hope is all of us) knows that it's not always as easy as saying "I forgive you." In fact, I'd say that most times it's not that easy. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't know that I have ever experienced a time when forgiving someone was as simple as just expressing that I forgive them. Knowing just how to forgive can be a challenge, almost as much as actually forgiving, in my opinion.

I would like to share with you five steps that can be taken in order to forgive others.

1. Recall the hurt. Often times we try to protect ourselves from pain. Sometimes in doing this, we avoid thinking or talking about the hurt that someone has caused us. Some people may think that this is forgiveness. Believe me when I say it is not. Simply hiding your feelings and refusing to think about the wrongdoing will not bring you the peace that forgiveness will. In order to truly forgive, we must fully acknowledge the injury.
2. Empathize. Empathy is when you look at something from someone else's point of view in order to understand them. For us to truly forgive, we must try to understand the transgressor's intentions and feelings. Some questions you may consider in doing this are: "Was the offense committed knowingly or was it an honest mistake? What were the pressures that influenced the offender to commit the offense? Is there an understandable reason for the offender to disagree with the victim regarding the seriousness of the offense? In what ways may the offender have been victimized in the past? What pain might the offender be experiencing associated with guilt and remorse?" (Walton & Hendricks, 2012, pg. 206). Keep in mind that these questions are not to be used to determine whether or not to forgive someone - we should always forgive - but they are only meant to help us understand the other person's point of view.
3. Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness. If you're like me, you may feel the need to look up the word "altruism." I'll save you some time. Altruism is "the principle or practice of unselfish concern for... the welfare of others" (source). Therefore, an "altruistic gift of forgiveness" would be forgiveness in regard to concern for the welfare of the transgressor. This is most easily done when the victim is humbled by their own shortcomings and filled with gratitude for those times when they have been freely forgiven by others. 
4. Commit publicly to forgive. This does not mean that you have to stand up in Fast and Testimony Meeting and announce "I have decided to forgive so-and-so for killing my cat the other day..." Rather, this step refers more to making some sort of commitment to forgiving. We have a better chance of successful forgiveness if we verbalize our commitment to someone else. You may consider speaking with a close friend or a counselor about your decision to forgive. You may also formalize your decision by writing a letter or by recording your decision and progress in your journal. 
5. Hold on to forgiveness. Once the forgiveness process is complete, it is normal to sometimes still feel haunted or hurt by the pain of the offense. Those moments may arise. When they do, it is important not to dwell on that hurt and to just move forward. When thoughts go back to the injury, they can help the victim in remembering that they have already forgiven the offender of their trespasses against them. It reminds them that in forgiving them, they have promised that there will be no pay backs and no grudges. "Although painful memories are not necessarily replaced by forgiveness, the pain should be a reminder to move forward with one's life instead of revisiting the transgression committed against him or her" (Walton & Hendricks, 2012, pg 206).

In Conclusion
The following video is the touching story of a man and his ability to forgive because of the strength that he received from Jesus Christ. In his journey, he has had to apply the entire forgiveness process, but I am most amazed by his ability to follow the fifth step - to hold on to forgiveness. As you watch the video (about 8 minutes), consider how the Atonement of Jesus Christ assists us in forgiving others their trespasses against us.

References:

Walton, E. & Hendricks, H. M. (2012). Repentance and forgiveness in family life. Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives, 201-212.