Death in the Family

Everyone has had some experience with death in their lives. Whether it was a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend, or child, everyone has lost someone that they cared about. Death or facing imminent death can often be one of life's most difficult trials.

Elder Russel M. Nelson said:

"We need not look upon death as an enemy. With full understanding and preparation, faith supplants fear. Hope displaces despair. The Lord said, 'Fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full' (D&C 101:36)... [An] eternal perspective eases [the] pangs of death" (source).

Even with this comforting perspective that the gospel gives us, there is still much pain and heartache
that comes from the death of those we love. These losses and death may come in many different forms, all of which present their own problems and can lead to despair and wavering faith. These trials associated with death may include, but are not limited to losing a loved one, suicide, losing a child, and miscarriage and stillbirth. Today, we'll explore some of these trials and the problems associated with them. More importantly, though, we will talk about what we can do to "mourn with those that mourn... and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:9).

Losing a Loved One

Even when elderly or sick loved ones pass from this life, surviving family members are rarely ready to see that individual go. Not only can the passing of a loved one cause a lot of pain and heartache, but in some cases, it can change an entire way of living for those family members still alive. When children are involved - such as when a young mother or father passes away - there is a whole new set of obstacles to face in helping young children understand and properly mourn the loss of their parent. From my experience, it is never easy to lose a loved one - no matter how expected or even welcomed the death is. The passing of a spirit from this world to the next is difficult for us to comprehend as human beings, but it is important for us always to trust in the Lord and in His plan and the Eternal nature of families. 

Suicide

Suicide is among one of the most difficult of tragedies. Often times, family members can feel guilty that they were unable to prevent the loss and they may feel that they could have done more. Latter-day Saint families especially may wonder about the eternal salvation of the individual lost. Elder M. Russell Ballard said: "Suicide is a sin - a very grievous one, yet the Lord will not judge the person who commits that sin strictly by the act itself. The Lord will look at that person's circumstances and the degree of his accountability at the time of the act" (source). There can be a lot of comfort for

family members who are suffering from a loss by suicide to understand that the Lord knows and understands our hearts, thoughts, desires, and fears. In addition, family members can take solace in the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland when he said:

"I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally 'free at last.' Until that hour when Christ's consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show 'compassion one of another'" (source). 

How cool is that!? Some day, we will see those loved ones who were so overcome with disability - of the body or the mind - and they will not be so disabled any longer. How great that day will be when we will see them - happy and perfected - through the grace and the love of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Losing a Child

The death of a child is definitely one of the most intense and profound adversities for a family. Not only must parents and families struggle with the loss of the child, but they must also face all of the Earthly experiences that would-have-been had the child lived. The mourning is often resurfaced as these milestones are marked by other children in the family. Parents may feel helpless - feeling as though they are unable to properly protect and care for their remaining children - and may feel a large hole in their life from the loss of their little one. I cannot imagine the pain that would come from losing one of my children. Through the Lord's love and His grace, parents can find joy in the memories of their lost child and in the knowledge that they will see their child again.

Miscarriage and Stillbirth

Just as losing a child is among one of the most difficult trials, losing a child before birth presents it's own unique struggles. Expectations of joy and love quickly turn to despair. "Perinatal loss... includes the loss of the creation of a new life, the loss of the anticipated child, the loss o the dream and hopes for parenthood, and the loss of an extension of both parents" (Callister, 2006). To make matters worse, societal acknowledgements of these specific trials are not as prevalent as the acknowledgement for other trials. Often times, there is no memorial service for the lost child and no break from the usual life and work of family members. "The development of a lifelong grief response to the loss, filled with comfort and coupled with sorrow, may be more realistic and fulfilling than the myth that parents should just 'get over it'... Those who discover a sense of meaning in such adversity are often able to find bittersweet resolution and can be helpful to others who experience such challenges" (Robinson, Carroll, & Marshall, 2012, pg. 243).

Mourning with those that Mourn

When those around us suffer with the trials that we've talked about, it is easy for us to sometimes feel helpless. Often times, we don't know what to say or do to help those individuals cope with the great loss and tragedy they have experienced. I know from personal experience that it can sometimes be awkward - struggling to find that "perfect" thing to say to them that would help bring them some comfort. 

Elder Russell M. Nelson said: "Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment... the only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life" (source).

Something that has proved to be helpful when mourning the loss of a loved one, is to focus on the memory and love of those lost, rather than focusing on the last moments before the individual's death. Pain can be eased by sharing those memories with others. As a friend, you might encourage those you are trying to comfort to share those memories with you. 

In comforting others, one of the most important things we can do is just to be present and listen to what those who are struggling have to say. Simply saying "I'm sorry" can often times be more effective and comforting than things like "It's God's will," "She's no longer suffering," or "He's in a better place." Just being around can help the grieving person feel supported through the difficult time in their life. I have seen this in action - both in my own life and in the life of my friends and family. Sometimes, you just need someone to be there - someone who will listen to you or help you in any way you may ask. 

In Conclusion

In going through trials such as death in our families or in watching other endure those trials, we must always remember the infinite Atonement and the Resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Yes, Christ suffered for our sins so that we may be made clean and perfect. But, He also felt the pain and anguish of our trials. He is the only one who knows perfectly how we are feeling through our tribulations. He is there to guide us and to comfort us if we will but reach out to Him.

As you watch the following video (about 5 minutes) consider the strength and comfort this family had in going through this trial. Why do you think they were able to stay so strong, even when their whole world had fallen apart? What comfort has the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation brought to you in your life?

References:

Callister, L. C. (2006). Perinatal loss: A family perspective. Journal of perinatal and neonatal nursing. 20(3), 227-234.

Robinson, W. D., Carroll, J. S., & Marshall, E. S. (2012). Crucibles and healing: Illness, loss, death, and bereavement. Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives, 235-248.