Gaining Strength for the Challenges of Motherhood

Oh, motherhood! Really, is there anything else I can say about it? "Oh, motherhood" seems to explain everything - the good, the bad, the fantastic, and the completely miserable. I remember when I was younger, I used to tell everybody that I wanted to get married at 18 years old and start having babies right away. I wanted lots and lots and lots of babies! (I remember telling people I wanted 25 babies - as you can see, my take on reality was a little screwed up.) 

Well, I did get married at 18, but my husband and I had been married for about 18 months before our first child joined our family. Collette was a beautiful angel child... while she was sleeping. In fact, if I'm being totally honest, she was pretty much an angel all of the time (unless she was sick - then she turned into a little beastie - a cutie, still, but a beastie for sure). For the most part, I enjoyed motherhood for the first little bit. And then my daughter turned one. Suddenly, my always happy little girl turned into a hyper-active little monster. Suddenly I just didn't have the energy to keep up. My husband would come home from work to a filthy house, me just laying on the couch, while Collette colored on the walls (or worse). I'm sure he wondered what it was that I did all day, since I obviously wasn't cleaning. (That's not entirely true though - I would clean, but things would just get messed up again.) 

The point is, it didn't take me long to figure out that motherhood is a lot more than snuggling always-happy babies and then laying them down for a nap (because everyone knows they take like 4-hour naps, giving you enough time to get all pretty for your husbands, clean the house, make dinner, etc. ...not!) and having lots and lots of "me" time. In fact, it wasn't long before I began feeling frustrated in my role as a mother. It took me a while to figure out that what I was doing for my children at home is more important than anything I could do outside of the home. Even now I have days when I forget my purpose, only to be reminded by my darling children.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said:

"The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. 

The young years are often those when either husband or wife - 

or both - may still be in school... 

Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent... 

The car, if there is one, runs on smooth tires and an empty take... 

Do the best you can through these years, 

but whatever else you do, 

cherish that role that is so uniquely yours 

and for which heaven itself sends angels 

to watch over you and your little ones."

(source)

What a comfort that is - that heaven will send angels to watch over us as we care for and nurture our little families. Isn't that comforting? This work we do as mothers is sacred and ordained of God. That being said, God wants us to succeed in our endeavors as mothers. He doesn't want us to lose our minds completely (even though we may be close sometimes), but wants us to enjoy this time and find joy with our families.

Watch this video (about 4 minutes) of Elder Holland speaking about mothers. As you watch, consider the sacred responsibility you have been given as a mother. What helps you to overcome the challenges that come from motherhood?

Gaining Strength for the Challenges of Motherhood

A mother wrote: "The other day I ran into another mother who asked me how I was doing... how could I possibly explain the complexity of my feelings?! Hadn't I always wanted to be a mother? And yet, why do I sometimes feel like all I want to do is escape? How is it possible that I can love my children so much and yet at the same time feel like I am too tired to be able to take the responsibility any more?... I don't know if I have the energy to face [each day] again. And yet I feel guilty even expressing those thoughts. Is motherhood really supposed to be this way?" (Erickson, 2012, pg. 134-135).

Sound familiar? There have been many times when I just don't want to be a mother anymore. There are times that make me want to pack my bags and run away forever. Thankfully, in my experience, the joyful times have far outweighed those times of despair in regards to motherhood. Something that I always tell myself is "millions of women have been mothers and are mothers. I cannot possibly be the worst mother in the entire world." Understanding that others are going through the same trials as I am with motherhood helps give me strength during those trying moments.

One of the challenges that many mothers face is having the physical energy to care for their children. Dr. Wally Goddard said: "We have all seen the effect that stress and exhaustion can have on our parenting. We overreact. We are harsh. We fail to use good sense. We lose sight of the child's motives and needs. When we're not happy and balanced, our parenting suffers" (Goddard, 2011). This

can, in turn, lead us to feel guilty which leads to more exhaustion and makes us feel like failures as mothers.

Some things to avoid as mothers are:

• Having too many "shoulds" that are unattainable
• Holding ourselves responsible for things that we cannot control
• Having a hard time setting limits and saying "no"
• Feeling that we would be continually satisfied if we were a better person and mother

If you are doing these things, do yourself and your family a favor and stop. Nothing good will come from doing the things on that list. 

Instead, you might:

• Align your expectations with reality
• Set priorities so you can do well the things you most care about
• Structure your life to include activities that replenish

Elder M. Russell Ballard instructed mothers to:

"find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. 

Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, 

and make time for them. 

Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, 

and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, 

you will have less and less to give to others, 

even to your children."

(source)

Another important thing for mothers to do is to look at motherhood as a relationship, rather than a list of things to do. We must always remember that there is no one perfect way to be a mother. Great mothers come in every make and model and each mother's parenting style is going to be unique to her. This is good, because not every child is the same. Therefore, not every child needs the same mothering style. In addition, we must recognize that we will mess up. We'll make mistakes. And that's okay.

Please read the following quote:

"Mothers and fathers who are honest with themselves will recognize that in every relationship they will fail their children in some important way. That is part of being mortal in a fallen world. No mother or father is good enough to care perfectly for God's children..."

What does that mean to you? To me, it sounds a little "well, I'm going to screw up anyway, so why even try?" It is so different than that, though. Read the rest of the quote and then consider how that applies in your life.

"...The only true solution is to be changed - to have our natures changed so that we can draw

inspiration from heaven and become fit parents. The promise of the Savior's Atonement is that we can receive His image by humbly bringing out tattered, weak selves to Him for healing. In that place of dependence, we will feel His transforming mercy bless us to become more like Him in our parenting" (Erickson, 2012, pg 135-136).

So, while we may not be perfect parents, there is a way for us to be more perfect than we are. Through the Savior's infinite Atonement and love, we can all grow to be the mothers that Heavenly Father has hoped and desired us to be. How cool is that!? I'd say very!

In closing, watch the following video (about 2 minutes) and consider your view on motherhood. Do you realize the importance of your role as a mother? What can you do to better magnify you duty as a mother?

References:

Erickson, J. J. (2012). Mothers as nurturers. Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives, 128-139.

Goddard, W. (2011). Godly parenting: Getting our hearts right. Retrieved from www.ldsmag.com.