I feel like I should put a disclaimer here. I am a 23-year-old mother of two children with only 3 short year's experience as a mother. So I'm obviously not an expert on parenting. All of the information that I have included in this particular post has been from people who are much smarter and more experienced than myself. So there you go.
To those of you who are parents, I have to ask: Have you ever felt lost when it comes to parenting your children? Have you ever felt like you just don't have the patience, energy, or ability to successfully raise your children to be wonderful, faithful, law-abiding citizens?
To those of you who are parents, I have to ask: Have you ever felt lost when it comes to parenting your children? Have you ever felt like you just don't have the patience, energy, or ability to successfully raise your children to be wonderful, faithful, law-abiding citizens?
Well, to you, I say: Join the club!
Let's face reality here for a second. We're all completely lost when it comes to parenting. Why, just the other day I let my 3-year-old daughter eat an entire spoonful of butter just because I didn't have the energy to handle the fight that would come if I didn't let her eat it. (Bad parenting exhibit A.) In fact, after that first spoonful, she went back for more. Which, to my shame, I allowed her to do. (Bad parenting exhibit B.) I did stop her before she could put the fourth spoonful in her mouth. Her response was just as I had imagined - a kicking screaming fit. You would have thought that I killed her cat or something. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I did a combination of both. It was all I could do to keep myself from ripping my hair out.
And believe me, it didn't stop there. She continued to whine and cry and hit and yell for the next hour. It was about that time that I was fed up. I got after her (which may or may not have included some loud tones of voice... Bad parenting exhibit C) and sent her to her room. While she screamed from her room, saying things like "I don't like you Mommy!" and "I want more butter!" I knew that there were probably about a million ways I could have handled that situation better. The problem was, I was totally and completely lost.
Aren't we all?
The fact of the matter is that parenting is difficult. This is probably why so many bad habits can form so easily while parenting. As I was learning about the two main types of "bad" (for lack of a better word) parenting, I was shocked and horrified to find that *GASP!* I have used both of these methods a time or two. You may be surprised to find that you probably have too. Don't worry, this is a judgement free blog. Tomorrow (or today, depending on when you are reading this) you will have a clean slate and you can start being a perfectly perfect parent. Hooray for new beginnings!
The Coercive Parenting Style
This "ineffective" (there, I thought of a better word) style of parenting is characterized by parents who "deride, demean, or diminish children and teens by continually putting them in their place, putting them down, mocking them, or holding power over them via punitive or psychologically controlling means" (Hart, Newell, & Haupt, 2012, pg. 105). In homes where coercion is used, spanking, yelling, criticizing, and forcing are usually present as ways of discipline. These practices can lead to anti-social, withdrawn, and delinquent behaviors in children and teens.
I think we all can think of parents who used this type of parenting style. Heck, I'd be lying if I said that I have never used this style on my kids and my parents have never used it on me. Thankfully, my parents weren't "full-on coercive" and I think I turned out all right.
President Brigham Young said:
"Parents should never drive their children,
but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it.
Chastening may be necessary betimes,
but parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod,
leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness"
(Widtsoe, 1978, pg. 208).
but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it.
Chastening may be necessary betimes,
but parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod,
leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness"
(Widtsoe, 1978, pg. 208).
To put it simply: coercive parenting is basically when parents try to completely dominate and control their children. If you find yourself practicing coercive parenting, apply the counsel given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf and "stop it!" (source). Yes, I realize that President Uchtdorf wasn't exactly talking about parenting, but it still applies. The truth is, you just can't control your children all the time. You can teach them by example and nudge them in the right direction, but you cannot control every little thing they do.
That being said, I think it's time we move onto the next type of parenting that we should always avoid.
The Permissive Parenting Style
If coercive parenting is one that focuses on parental domination and strictness, then you can imagine that permissive parenting is the complete opposite of that.
This type of "ineffective" style of parenting is characterized by parents who "overindulge children or neglect them by leaving them to their own devices" (Hart, Newell, & Haupt, 2012, pg. 107). As parents, we have the sacred and ever-important job of providing guidance and constraint when required for our child's good. When we practice permissive parenting, we are actually neglecting our parental duties under the Lord's standards for parenting. I don't know about you, but I sure don't want that hanging over my head.
I think we all know some parents who are more on the permissive side. You know, the parents who tolerate their children's bad behavior simply because they don't want to "impose their authority" upon them. These are those parents who are always encouraging their children to make their own decisions without setting and providing necessary parameters for those decisions. Allowing children to make their own decisions is great. But, parents must always be prepared to "dish out" (so to speak) appropriate consequences for the "less-than-appropriate" decisions. In doing this, parents must start by teaching their children about consequences. While they are free to choose, they cannot choose the consequences.
You might want to paint this picture for them: If you jump off a building and decide halfway through the fall that you shouldn't have jumped, you're still going to go "SPLAT!" Once you've made the decision to jump, you are now slave to the consequences. (I would recommend using a different analogy if speaking to a young child...)
But permissive parents don't usually impose consequences on their children. Or, at least, they keep them to a minimum. In fact, permissive parents avoid imposing any structure on their children - bedtime, mealtime, restrictions on computer and technology usage, etc. Children of permissive parents can have a difficult time respecting others, coping with frustration, delaying gratification for a greater goal, and following through with plans.
Elder Joe J. Christensen said:
In addition, Elder Neal A. Maxwell said:
If you're anything like me, you don't want to start practicing this parenting style anytime soon.
The Authoritative Parenting Style
Neither the Coercive nor the Permissive parenting styles are in harmony with the teachings of The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Both put emphasis on the wrong things and lead to frustration, pain, and heartache.
The authoritative parenting style, however, is the optimal parenting style. This style "fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making" (Hart, Newell, & Haupt, 2012, pg. 108).
In parenting our children, let us all remember that we must learn about each of our children. We must study their dispositions and temperaments and deal with them according to those characteristics (Hart, Newell, & Haupt, 2012, pg. 108). Some children may need to have more limits placed upon them, while others may be able to have more freedom. When choosing how to parent each child, remember that the Lord wants you succeed as a parent. That being said, He will help you along the way if you will just reach out to Him. Honestly, a lot of parenting is try-and-fail. You absolutely won't get everything right the first time. But you keep parenting with love and limits, and you'll do just fine.
This type of "ineffective" style of parenting is characterized by parents who "overindulge children or neglect them by leaving them to their own devices" (Hart, Newell, & Haupt, 2012, pg. 107). As parents, we have the sacred and ever-important job of providing guidance and constraint when required for our child's good. When we practice permissive parenting, we are actually neglecting our parental duties under the Lord's standards for parenting. I don't know about you, but I sure don't want that hanging over my head.
I think we all know some parents who are more on the permissive side. You know, the parents who tolerate their children's bad behavior simply because they don't want to "impose their authority" upon them. These are those parents who are always encouraging their children to make their own decisions without setting and providing necessary parameters for those decisions. Allowing children to make their own decisions is great. But, parents must always be prepared to "dish out" (so to speak) appropriate consequences for the "less-than-appropriate" decisions. In doing this, parents must start by teaching their children about consequences. While they are free to choose, they cannot choose the consequences.
You might want to paint this picture for them: If you jump off a building and decide halfway through the fall that you shouldn't have jumped, you're still going to go "SPLAT!" Once you've made the decision to jump, you are now slave to the consequences. (I would recommend using a different analogy if speaking to a young child...)
But permissive parents don't usually impose consequences on their children. Or, at least, they keep them to a minimum. In fact, permissive parents avoid imposing any structure on their children - bedtime, mealtime, restrictions on computer and technology usage, etc. Children of permissive parents can have a difficult time respecting others, coping with frustration, delaying gratification for a greater goal, and following through with plans.
Elder Joe J. Christensen said:
"We should avoid spoiling children by giving them too much.
In our day, many children grow up with distorted values
because we as parents overindulge them...
One of the most important things we can teach our children is to deny themselves.
Instant gratification generally makes for weak people."
(source)
In addition, Elder Neal A. Maxwell said:
"A few of our wonderful youth and young adults in the Church are unstretched -
they have almost a free pass.
Perks are provided, including cars complete with fuel and insurance -
all paid for by parents who sometimes listen in vain
for a few courteous and appreciative words.
What is thus taken for granted... tends to underwrite selfishness and a sense of entitlement."
(source)
If you're anything like me, you don't want to start practicing this parenting style anytime soon.
The Authoritative Parenting Style
Neither the Coercive nor the Permissive parenting styles are in harmony with the teachings of The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Both put emphasis on the wrong things and lead to frustration, pain, and heartache.
The authoritative parenting style, however, is the optimal parenting style. This style "fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making" (Hart, Newell, & Haupt, 2012, pg. 108).
While it is okay to establish friendly relationships with your children (heck, you can even be friends with your children for all I care), it is always important that our children know that we are parents first, and friends second. Being a "parent first" doesn't mean you should have the attitude like the father on "Matilda": "I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it" (source). In fact, I would highly recommend not having that attitude about your children. However, it does mean teaching our children to respect us, as well as showing our love for our children. The authoritative parenting style helps us to achieve a loving relationship with our children.
In parenting our children, let us all remember that we must learn about each of our children. We must study their dispositions and temperaments and deal with them according to those characteristics (Hart, Newell, & Haupt, 2012, pg. 108). Some children may need to have more limits placed upon them, while others may be able to have more freedom. When choosing how to parent each child, remember that the Lord wants you succeed as a parent. That being said, He will help you along the way if you will just reach out to Him. Honestly, a lot of parenting is try-and-fail. You absolutely won't get everything right the first time. But you keep parenting with love and limits, and you'll do just fine.In closing, watch this video of Robert. D Hales (about 3 minutes). This Mormon Message has touched my heart time and time again and has influenced the way that I treat my children and the way that I think of them. As you watch, consider your own children. Do you respond to your children's figurative questions of "Mom, Dad, are you in there?" How can you improve your relationship with your children based on the things talked about in this post, as well as in this video?
References:
Hart, C. H., Newell, L. D., & Haupt, J. H. (2012). Parenting with love, limits and latitude: Proclamation principles and supportive scholarship. Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives, 103-117.
Widtsoe, J. A. (1978). Discourses of Brigham Young: Second president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.
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