Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant

"While marriage is difficult,

and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, 

yet real, lasting happiness is possible,

and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy 

than the human mind can conceive.

This is within the reach of every couple, every person." 

-President Spencer W. Kimball 

(source)

So, the real question is: How can we experience the "exultant ecstasy" that is described in this statement in our own marriages? Or rather, what are some tried-and-true tools needed to build the foundation of a successful marriage?

Today, we'll explore the words of leading scholars and Church leaders regarding one of the foundational processes for an enduring, healthy marriage. Foundational processes are defined as "actions couples take in relation to each other to help their marriage flourish" (Duncan & McCarty-Zasukah, 2012, p.28). One of these processes is ones personal commitment to their spouse and to their marriage covenants.

Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant

According to The Family Proclamation, "marriage between a man and a women is ordained of God" and "husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other" (source). Marriage is more than just a social custom. It is a divinely created relationship. Husband and wife have God-given covenant obligations to one another within marriage as well. In order to understand your commitment to these covenant, it's important to answer the following question: Is yours a contractual marriage or a covenant marriage?

Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy said:

"When troubles come, the parties in a
contractual marriage
seek happiness by walking away.
They marry to obtain benefits and will stay
only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for.
But when troubles come to a covenant marriage,
the husband and wife work them through.
They marry to give and to grow,
bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God.
Contract companions each give 50 percent.
But covenant companions each give 100 percent.
Enough and to spare.
Each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the other."
(source)

It's obvious that we should always strive for a covenant marriage, as opposed to a contractual one. Covenant marriages are always based upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. As we come closer to our spouse, we naturally come closer to the Savior as well. Note Elder David A. Bednar's explanation:

"The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship.
Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle,
with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner.
Now consider what happens in the relationship
between the man and the woman
as they individually and steadily 'come unto Christ'
and strive to be 'perfected in Him' (Moroni 10:32).
Because of and through the Redeemer,
the man and woman come closer together."
(source) 

Some scholars have noted the importance of commitment in marriage as well. Marriage scholar Scott Stanley identified two types of commitment in marriage: constraint commitment and personal dedication. Constraint commitment is a commitment felt due to obligation. This kind of commitment keeps couples together because of things like social pressure, the high cost of divorce, or for the sake of their children. Personal dedication, however, is an intentional decision made by the couple to stay together and work through their problems. This is done for the mutual benefit of everyone, not just the individual. Each of these commitment types are important to marriage. Stanley says that "Mixing the two components gives married couples a superstrong bond" (Stanley, 2005, p.23). While constraint commitment is helpful for a stable marriage, personal dedication is necessary to have a fulfilling marriage. 

It is important for individuals to form their own personal dedication to their marriage covenants and to their spouse. In addition, couples should strive for unity and exclusively cleave to their spouse and their spouse alone. Couples should be sure to practice spiritual patterns in their marriage as well. There are a number of benefits that come from couples practicing their faith together. These benefits include, but are not limited to: less conflict, higher likelihood of reaching a mutually satisfying resolution when conflict does arise, feeling closer to God, and being selfless and thinking about what is best for the couple. Regarding couples practicing faith together, President Kimball said:

"When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple,
kneel in prayer together in their home with their family,
go hand in hand to their religious meetings,
keep their lives wholly chaste -
mentally and physically -
so that their whole thoughts and desires and loves
are all centered in the one being, their companion,
and both work together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God,
then happiness is at its pinnacle."
(source)

As you watch the following video (about 10 minutes), ask yourself "Is my marriage a covenant marriage or a contract marriage?" If you feel yours is a contract marriage, what can you do to make it a covenant marriage?

References:

Duncan, S. F. & McCarty-Zasukah, S. S. (2012). Foundational processes for an enduring, healthy marriage. Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspective, 27-37.

Stanley, S. M. (2005). The power of commitment: A guide to active, lifelong love. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.