Parenting Practices: Psychological Control versus Behavioral Control

"We [the First Presidency] call upon parents to devote their best efforts to the teaching and rearing of their children in gospel principles which will keep them close to the Church. The home is the basis of a righteous life, and no other instrumentality can take its place or fulfill its essential functions in carrying forward this God-given responsibility" (source).

Is that a loaded (and beautiful) statement or what? I mean, think about it. We are to devote our best efforts to teaching our children. And not just teaching them, but teaching them the right things - aka, gospel principles. That can seem like a lot of pressure, for sure. 

We've talked in other posts about parenting and some of the challenges facing parents while trying to raise their children in a Christ-centered home. One of those posts was directed around three different parenting styles. (To visit this post, click here.) These styles were: coercive, permissive, and

authoritative. Sound familiar? If not, I recommend clicking on that cute little link and visiting the post first. I'd be happy to have you back here later. 

Did you read it? Great! Moving on now...

In addition to the three parenting types, there are also two different types of "control" in the parent-child relationship. These two are: psychological control and behavioral control. Today, we'll explore the ups and downs of both of these and talk a little bit about how parenting practices really do make a difference.

Behavioral Control

Behavioral control is generally when parents monitor their child's behavior and hold their child responsible when they misbehave. That doesn't sound too bad, right? In fact, some behavioral control is necessary for children to grow up to be wonderful, law-abiding, and Christ-centered individuals. Authoritarian parents (again, if you missed the link to the past post that addresses this type, click here) may us excessive behavioral control by means of coercion, where permissive parents don't provide enough behavioral control. Like many other things we have talked about throughout this blog, it's about finding that "perfect" balance, which is definitely no easy task.

Not only can appropriate behavioral control help to correct bad behavior, but it can also be done while still showing love towards the child in question. Not only that, but it can be very effective in teaching children about consequences - something that we all need to learn throughout our lives.

When practicing behavioral control, please be generous to your children. Don't watch them with the intent of waiting for them to mess up. I don't believe that our Heavenly Father does that to us, so we certainly shouldn't do it to our children. Watch their behaviors so that you may be aware of teaching opportunities. And, of course, watch them because they are just so darn cute that you can't stand to not watch them. 

Psychological Control

Psychological control has been defined as "a rather insidious type of control that potentially inhibits or intrudes upon psychological development through manipulation and exploitation of the parent-child bond, negative affect-laden expressions and criticisms, and excessive personal control" (Barber, 1996, pg. 3297). Sound a little confusing to you? Yeah, me too. Some of the main elements of this type of control include love withdrawal, guilt induction, and shaming. All of these things cause a child's psychological world and personal identity to be manipulated as parents work to force their children to do as they say. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like the "parenting with love" that I have always thought was right.

Don't be too quick to jump to conclusions like I was, though. According to David A. Nelson, an associate professor in the School of Family Life at BYU, "this area of research is new enough that many questions exist as to the full meaning of psychological control and whether all practices under this umbrella are similarly detrimental. Generally speaking, psychologically controlling practices are consistent with the rejecting nature of the authoritarian style... Debate exists over whether practices such as guilt induction or love withdrawal might actually be productive in helping children learn social responsibility and appropriate feelings of guilt" (Nelson, 2012, pg. 124).

You may have found yourself thinking "So... is psychological control good or bad?" I think the correct answer is "We just don't know." If you're anything like me, you probably aren't satisfied with that answer. Here's where things get a little bit more "individual" and "personal" when it comes to parenting. YOU are the parent of your children. YOU know your children better than anybody on this earth. What works for one child might not work for another. Personally, I like to stay away from the practices associated with psychological control, but that's just me. If acting disappointed when your child misbehaves is effective in helping your child understand what they did wrong, then more power to you. My only advice (as a "super" experienced mother) is to show an increase of love towards your children afterwards. 

Understand, though, that certain practices that fall under psychological control are inappropriate. Certain practices will cause damage to the parent-child relationship and could shatter a child's sense of self. There is a lot of evidence that suggests "that shaming tactics... that demean or belittle, are actually more predictive of child maladjustment than physical punishment" (Baumrind, Larzelere, & Owens, 2010). 

In Conclusion

President Gordon B. Hinckley said:

"As children grow through the years, their lives, in large measure, become and extension and a reflection of family teaching. If there is harshness, abuse, uncontrolled anger, disloyalty, the fruits will be certain and discernible, and in all likelihood they will be repeated in the generation that follows. If, on the other hand, there is forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy, and compassion, the fruits again will be discernible, and they will be eternally rewarding. They will be positive and sweet and wonderful... I speak to fathers and mothers everywhere with a plea to put harshness behind us, to bridle our anger, to lower our voices, and to deal with mercy and love and respect one toward another in our homes" (source).  

For me, as a parent, I know I could stand to have more consideration, kindness, and mercy in my home. I could stand to lower my voice a little and bridle my anger. I'm sure many of you out there feel the same way. As you read President Hinckley's quote, what were your thoughts? Are there practices within your family that do not fit President Hinckley's description of forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy, and compassion? How can you work to make these traits present in your home?

As you watch this video (about 1.5 minutes), consider what must change in your own life so that you may be able to better follow the counsel of President Monson.

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."

References:

Barber, B. K. (1996). Parental psychological control: Revisiting a neglected construct. Child development, 67, 3296-3319.

Baumrind, D., Larzelere, R. E., & Owens, E. B. (2010). Effects of preschool parents' power assertive patterns and practices on adolescent development. Parenting science and practice, 10, 157-201.

Nelson, D. A. (2012). Parenting in gospel context: Practices do make a difference. Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives, 118-127.